Who Is Miko “Mike” Polar?
We rolled through the piles of garbage and hit the table. I scratched the little figure on it's hand, it threw back with a yelp and jumped at me, hitting me to the groins my eyes bulked and I let out a sound that normally only some kind of a dying animal could do. When I got back my balance I noticed that the figure was trying to run away, I also saw the weird red, pointed hat it had. I drove it on the ground with a roar. Both of us were shouting out curses so bad that even a sailor would have fainted. The fight continued for several minutes. At one point I, got the upper hand. I was on the little creature holding its hand on its back pushing it up so that the creature could not move.
“I give up! I give up!” the creature cried.
“Why did you steal my cake?!” I shouted out in anger.
“I was hungry!” the creature snapped back.
“And who or what in the hell are you!?” I asked while, loosening my grip from his hands.
“A gnome!” It shouted back
I let go in astonishment and fell backwards.
“A gnome!!?” I shouted out.
“Yes that’s what I said you idiot!” it said.
“Bu-But that’s impossible!” I stuttered out.
“Is it?!” the gnome had now gotten out of my grip and was facing me head on.
“Hell yes!” I shouted.
“Oh! Really. So I’m only your imagination?” it said.
“So all my memories would be just your dream! Is that `it´!” its voice jumped up
I fell into silence, and looked away in shame. I had the feeling I had just insulted the... gnome. The anger was starting to fade.
“You see?” it said.
I lifted my head and looked at it, still unable tell my brain to believe what I had just heard “OK! Now that we got that sorted out…”Talk about a sudden transition, I thought.
“My name is Miko Polar from Santa’s house in Lapland.” Miko said changing his tone of voice into a slightly warmer one. He bowed to me
“Hello Miko…” I started.
“Call me Mike… Or Mike Polar with in friends.” Mike said.
“Well hello Mike…” I corrected myself, “So you’re a gnome from where again?” I asked
“Lapland. Where Santa lives.”
“I thought that Santa lived in North Pole.” I said
“No he does not. I do not understand why people believe in that. The only things that lives there are penguins.”
“Oh! Okay,” I said a bit dazzled.
The gnome stood up looking at me. He had a white beard and a small gnome hat on his head.
“I didn’t know that there were gnomes,” I said while I was getting up.
He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze which made me shut my mouth.
“I always thought that you were called elves,” I said quickly.
He turned his gaze away from my books and turned at me.
“Elves are a race of its own, you know.” He snapped.
I stayed quiet for a while. We both were quiet for a long while. After a moment I broke the silence and asked: “Would you want some tea?”
“No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered
“So, Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees
“Yes?” The gnome said rising its eyes from its cup
“You said that you were from ST. Nicks home, yes?” I asked
“Yes that’s true.” He said now appearing a bit interested
“Why are you here?” I asked suddenly.
That remark could have been an arrow, because after I had said it his eyes went blank and he fell quiet.
“Well?” I continued
“I was kicked out. I won’t say why.” He said. “After they kicked me out I started as a traveling gnome.” He went on.
“In a few years I found a place and started living there… until I was kicked out of there as well. Now a week ago I found this place.” He said
“Ah. Alright then.” I said. I felt tired and I didn't want to bicker about anything else today.
“You would not mind if I went to sleep now, now would you?” I asked as I sat up from my chair.
“No. I will go an’ sleep soon myself.” Said the gnome
“OK. Good night!” I said while going up the stairs to my room.
“Good night!” He shouted back as I swam into my bed
End of chapter
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
I really don't like a preamble so I am just going to get right into the review.
Instead of telling us that there was scratching, biting, hitting etc. could you show us? I want to see this fight scene played out. You do a good job in the first sentence and the last sentence, showing us the action, but in between those two sentences you could do so much more.
I had to laugh at this. I mean, seriously? You're getting into a physical altercation because of cake? LOL.
What does a gnome look like? Because I imagine one of those little guys with the white beards and pointed red hats that people put in their front lawns. But if this is not the image you want to portray you need to tell us. And if you told us somewhere in this bit of dialouge it would flow so well.
Mumbled out is very awkward to read, I would say stuttered.
Again this reads weird, either change it to was looking me in the eye or was facing me head on.
This whole bit of dialouge is hard for me to read. If the protagonist is so adamant about this being a dream or figment of his imagination then I'd like more of a reaction from him. Show the reader what his innermost thoughts are at this exact point in time. Is he questioning his sanity? Also I don't understand what the gnome is saying when it says "So all my memories would be just your dream?" And why is it in quotations? Finally why does the protagonist look away in shame? Clarify this bit of dialouge so your audience understands exactly what you're trying to convey, even if it takes some extra words.
I'm sorry, I read this and I just thought like it sounded like a corny line out of a soap opera.
Whoa! Talk about a sudden transition. This was so abrupt and out of the blue, it was like pouring cold water on someone who is dead asleep. I don't feel like they got anything sorted out. What exactly were they sorting out?
This statement is actually false since penguins only live on the South Pole.
I think it is a little late into the chapter to be describing what the gnome looks like. You should describe him earlier on, where I pointed out previously.
Watch you redundancies here. You used a while three times in this small paragraph.
This seems weird, like they are old friends enjoying an afternoon of coffee and mindless banter. I mean, really? This gnome has just landed in this guys diplatated house, stole his cake, got into a wrestling match with him, has said he lives with Santa, and NOW THEY ARE DRINKING COFFEE? Do you realize how absurd that is? I know it is a fantasy fiction, but it still has to be slightly realistic, otherwise people are just going to think you're crazy.
Again, you need to make this more realistic. You discover this strange mythological creature in your house and you discover he has been kicked out of everywhere he has lived, but he won't tell you why, and you feel comfortable enough to think about going to sleep? Really? It just makes me scratch my head. Sometimes endings can be so hard. I felt like you really wanted to end this chapter, so you just went the ever easy escape of going to sleep. Take your time rewriting this ending and figure out a way that you can end it realistically without dragging the story on and on.
Characters: Here I think you need a bit of improvement. I mean, we really know nothing about your protagonist. His name is Jack and he lives in an old house by himself. How old is he? What is his occupation? Did he fight in World War II? If not, why? What does he look like? What does his clothes look like? Why is he living in that old house if he hates it so much? How did he afford it? And I'd like a more in depth description of the gnome. What does his face look like? Is there a predominant feature? What color is his eyes? What is he wearing? How old is he? How tall is he? Make sure you are taking time to develop your characters. If they don't feel like real people to you then your audience will feel like they don't exist and they won't be able to connect with them.
Setting: You didn't really cover this very well. You talked about some books and bumping into a table but that was about it. Which room are you in? If the chapter before the house is run down then you need to carry that into this chapter as well. Also don't forget to focus on different senses besides just sight. How does the room smell? What about touch? What does the old couch feel like? Is it lumpy with a spring sticking whoever dares to settle their bottom there? What does it sound like?
Overall: I have mixed feelings about this. I'm not positive about your plot line just yet, but I am curious to see where you go with this. SO far, I think it needs to be polished up to take it from a diamond in the rough to being the sparkling gem it can be. Don't get discouraged and just take whatever advice you're given. If you feel like other's advice is ruining your idea with where you want to go or you just really like a line you wrote, then don't change it. After all, it is your story. I hope that helped.
Hey. I see you've got a few in-depth crits, but I guess I will do another
You need a comma between biting and hitting.
I'm not too fond of this line. It's pure telling, no showing. While you have a fairly relaxed style of writing, you still need to give the reader a image.
Okay, this line is awkward and again, I don't like the exclamation mark. You don't need to shout your sentences! There are better ways to create emphasis! Exclamation marks lose their effectiveness rather quickly when used too much! It's like telling the reader they have to be excited, rather then invoking excitement! Like one of those 'applause' signs! And it gives the uncomfortable feeling that you're being yelled at!
Have I made my point?
Again, it's all telling. As it is I would take out the 'after the fight' and replace it with 'eventually I had the upper hand' or some such.
Shouted, shouted, shouted. This gets repetitive. Try using a thesaurus, and swapping for other words for variety. 'Bellowed', maybe? 'Screamed'? 'Yelled'? 'Cried'?
'I let off'? I'm not sure what that means. Also, don't use all-caps in dialogue. It overdoes the emphasis.
Comma after 'yes'. You don't actually have to put 'he said, she said' after each line of dialogue, unless it is a confusing conversation. When there are only two people talking, and it's obvious who's saying what, it's quite acceptable to leave the 'who said it' part off.
Fazing? What do you mean?
I keep thinking of a phaser from star trek XD
You don't need the 'it said' in there, and without it it flows much better-
"Oh! Really? So I'm only a part of your imagination? So all my memories are just parts of your little 'dream'? Is that it?" His voice grew in volume on the last few words.
Okay, you've picked a rather drawn out way to explain something simple, and it disrupts the flow. I suggest simply stating it as-
Miko's voice grew warmer.
Also, you don't bow 'at' people, it sounds rather rude. You bow 'to' them.
When one character carries on talking, put it on the same line. It makes it less confusing for the writer, and means you don't have to put 'I asked' on the end.
"Well hello Mike," I corrected myself. "You're a gnome from where again?"
"Oh! Okay." I said, a bit dazzled.
I don't like calling people 'it'. Maybe say-
He (did the gnome have a gender? I wasn't sure.) Or something. I dunno, I just don't like calling people 'it'.
The 'are' and 'its' don't work. One is for plural, one is for singular. You either need to write it-
"Elven is a race of its own, you know." or
"Elves are a race of their own, you know."
Try not to use abbreviations in your writing, apart from the ones everyone is familiar with like FBI and CIA, so write it 'saint nicks'. It makes your writing more professional and smooth.
swam? What the, is his bed in the middle of a pool?
Overall, you should work on your descriptions. You must create an image in your reader's head, rather then just telling them what's happening. I would also you refine your dialogue. Say it out loud, is that how you would say it normally? It's not too bad, it's mainly comma placement you have to work on.
The whole 'gnome' thing was taken too easily by the MC I think. What was he thinking? Let us in his head.
Anyway, if you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM. I'll be happy to help.
-Nutty
Here as requested.
You need to insert a comma after 'biting' . Furthermore, this is a badly constructed sentence. You've basically given us a list of verbs and said - here's your description. You need to elaborate on the actions, the expressions, the dialogues, the characters. Furthermore, I'm really confused as to how this links to the previous piece.
Gramatically incorrect. This should have been, "Both of us were cursing so badly that even a sailor would have fainted."
Avoid the use of exclamation marks unless they're in dialogue. It makes the writer seem insane.
Again, badly constructued. This should have been, "After the fight I was straddling the little creature, holding its hand on its back, pushing it up so that movement was futile."
Using the exclamation mark and the question mark stops the reader from taking you seriously.
Comma after 'while'.
'It' should not be capitalised and there should be a fullstop.
I think you mean, "I let go."
This needs a fullstop. And using multiple exclamation marks and question marks, as well as Caps Locks, just makes you seem immature or insane.
You need a fullstop. And a comma after 'what'. And I believe the spelling of 'yes' does not comprise of an 'a' mid-word.
Get rid of the Caps Lock. If somebody is mumbling, it means you are talking softly. Not to mention you can't 'mumble out'. I would change it to 'exclaim'. And again, you need a fullstop at the end of a sentence. *sighs*
You mean 'facing' not 'fazing.' And refrain from using exclamation marks and question marks together.
This exclamation seems to be completely out of context and historically innacurate. And again, You need a fullstop at the end of sentences.
FULLSTOP. At the end. And I think you mean 'So I'm only a figment of your imagination'
Full stop after 'up'. I'm going to keep reminding you till you listen.
Fullstop.
Full stop. And OK is innapropriate.
Um. Okay.
Comma after 'said'. Also, there shouldn't be a fullstop after 'Lapland' but a comma'. And you need 'tone' or 'voice' after 'friendly'. And you can't bow at someone. You can bow to them. And once again. You need a fullstop.
Fullstop.
Fullstop. And you mean, "Or Mike Polar, when I'm with friends,' or something like that.
Fullstop.
Fullstop.
There should be a comma after 'lives', "he" shouldn't be in capitals, and once again, Anzius, you need a fullstop.
You need a 'the' before 'North.' And you need a fullstop.
'Live' and not 'lives'. Fullstop.
Dazzled? I think you mean 'dazed'. And you need a comma after 'said'. And a fullstop.
Comma after 'up'. And you can't just say 'a gnome hat'. You need to explain what it looks like.
There should be a comma after 'gnomes' and not a fullstop.
Don't use brackets.
You need a hyphon in between 'called' and 'elves.'
Fullstop. And nix the repetition of 'turned'.
'their' and not 'its'.
You need a comma after all these sentences. You need a comma after 'the gnome said.'
Comma.
The first 'he' shouldn't be capitalised.
HUH?
That was the main impression I got from this chapter. In the first one, there was nice description and a slightly dubious plot in which a boy lost his cake.
But here, a gnome from Lapland appears out of nowhere and then the main character, after fighting with him, invites him to have coffee.
I'm going to be honest with you: I didn't like this chapter.
Storyline
It's verging on the ridiculous, Lord Anzius. I can't imagine why you suddenly got rid of a story with potential - good potential
Characterisation
Also, we don't know anything about your character? He speaks immaturely but seems old enough to be living in this house by his own, apparently doing nothing. Why does he live there? Does he have realatives? what are his connections with the other protagonists? Who are his enemies? His likes, dislikes, fears. We haven't seen him develop at all.
Steps to writing a story
It's early days, but you seem to be lacking in this area, so I'll show you:
The story arch - plan when to throw bumps and hurdles in your character's path.
Beginning - introduce the problem. What does your character want...or not want? What is in her way? What troubles him? (Examples: divorce, being the new kid at school, making the grade, a place in life). Or start out with something that brings the reader 'into' the book: something that makes the reader read further.
Middle - add bumps along the way that make the character rise to the challenge. (Examples: selling their house, finding a place to sit at lunch, pop quiz, getting fired, bad love break). Keep bringing on the action.
The biggest hurdle - this is the moment of the greatest conflict. it is the point in the story when your character has to deal with or overcome the big problem that you set up at the beginning or middle of the story. (Examples: dad gets remarried, new friends ditches you, big test, someone important to you dies)
End - the conflict is solved. Your character either gets what s/he wants or doesn't. Whatever the case is, your character has changed or learned. (Examples: two families are better than one, a true friend forever, A on a test, illusions shattered)
EDIT, Edit, Edit.
I had to tell you about the fullstop rule on nearly every single sentence with dialogue, which is slightly worrying. You are meant to edit your work for mistakes like this before posting so that critiquers can focus on the more important things, such as plotline.
Check punctuation, spelling, grammar, and sentence sense, of course--but don't ignore the big questions. Are your character's actions and responses plausible? Have you taken a short cut on the plot, making it mundane or superficial?
Tags
Minimize those little dialog tags: 'Andrew said' or 'Molly whispered.' Without them, how could you tell who was talking?--by giving each character a unique voice. Employ slurred words, an accent, an authoritative tone, a submissive tone, or very clipped speech.
That's pretty much all, Anzius. I'm sorry for the harsh review. Tell me if I'm getting too carried away.
Good luck.
Sarah
x
We rolled through the piles of garbage and hit the table. There was scratching, biting hitting, kicking and ripping. Both of us were shouting out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted! The fight continued for several minutes. After the fight I was on the little creature holding its hand on it’s no need for an apostrophe here as it's a possessive
back pushing it up so that the creature could not move.
I said a bit dazzled
made me shut my mouth.
a place and started living there… until I was kicked out of there as well. Now a week ago I found this place.” He said
I asked as I sat up from my chair.
I couldn't stop laughing, it was really funny 
I like the idea of a gnome also, and how humans can interpret things completely wrong. 
“I give up! I give up!” the creature shouted.
“Why did you steal my cake?!” I shouted out in anger.
“I was hungry!” the creature shouted back.
“And who or what inI'm not sure whether you've made a typo here or it's the way the character talks, what in the hell, that could be the way the character talks or you could've accidentally put the 'the' in. the hell are you!?” I asked while loosening my grip
“A gnome!” It shouted back
I let off in astonishment and fell backwards.
“A GNOME!!?” I shouted out
“Yeas that’s what I said u idiot!” it said You not u
“BU-BUT that’s impossible!” I mumbled out
“Is it?!” the gnome had now gotten out of my grip and was fazing me in the eyes.
“Hell yes!” I shouted
“Oh! Really. So I’m only your imagination?” it said
“So all my memories would be just your dream! Is that `it´!” its voice jumped up
I fell into silence, and looked away in shame.
“You see?” it said
I lifted my head and looked at it, still unable tell my brain to belief Believe not belief what my heart understood. I like that idea of the brain not believing but the heart
“OK! Now that we got that sorted out…” it said
“My name is Miko Polar from Santa’s house in Lapland.” Miko said changing his tone of voice into a slightly humble.That doesn't make sense, the last bit. He bowed at meFull stop
“Hello Miko…” I started
“Call me Mike… Or Mike Polar with in friends.” Mike said
“Well hello Mike…” I corrected myself
“So you’re a gnome from where again?” I asked
“Lapland. Where Santa lives” He said
“I thought that Santa lived in North Pole.” I said
“No he does not. I do not understand why people beliefBelieve not belief in that. The only things that lives there are penguins”
“Oh! OK!”Does he start shouting? If not then it should be Ok not OK!
The gnome stood up looking at me. He had a white beard and a small gnome hat on his head.
“I didn’t know that there were gnomes.” I said while I was getting up.
He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze witch Which not witch
“I always thought that you were called elves.” I said quickly
He turned his gaze away from my books and turned at me
“Elves are a race of its own, you know.” He snapped Hahah this made me laugh
I stayed quiet for a while. We both were quiet for a long while. After a while I broke the silence and asked: “Would you want some tea?”
“No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered
“Socomma here Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees
“Yes?” The gnome said rising it’s no apostrophe for possessive eyes from it’s Again no apostrophe cup
“You said that you were from ST. Nicks home, yes?” I asked
“Yes that’s true.” He said now appearing a bit interested
“Why are you here?” I asked suddenly.
That remark could have been an arrow, because after I had said it his eyes went blank and he fell quiet. Good description
“Well?” I continued
“I was kicked out. I won’t say why.” He said. “After they kicked me out I started as a traveling gnome.” He went on.
“In a few years I woundDo you mean found?
“Ah. Alright then.” I said
“You would not mind if I went to sleep now, now would you?” Isn't this quite a random time to go to sleep? If I found a gnome in my house I don't think I'd go to sleep yet
“No. I will go an’ sleep soon myself.” Said the gnome
“OK. Good night!” I said while going up the stairs to my room.
“Good night!” He shouted back as I swam into my bed Good choice of word here, swam instead of crawled etc.
Ok, I liked this chapter. A little editing is needed however, but I'm sure you already know that
-Kirsten xx
THX. =)
HAHAHAHAHA.
Thanks for giving me a stomache.
Too. Much. Laughter. Cannot. Breathe. *Face turns a strange shade of blue*
I think everyone's pointed out the mistakes.
AWESOME.
I enjoy this story very much so far. There is scarcely anything I think you should change. For one, 'He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze witch made me shut my mouth' Shouldn't it be which, and not witch?
'“No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered
“So Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees' I think there should be a space in between those two lines, because they are happening at two different times. But I really like it.
THX
*giggle* Funny. Made me smile...
- You continue a little bit.Again a little problem with the descriptions - I don't have a picture of that gnome made in my head.
The dialogue- again the problem of repeating " I " and " he "
- again the empty dialogue that dosen't put us in the room.
That`s all that i got to say here. Chapter 3 now ...
yes you have. Thx
Hello! I thought this story looked interesting... I review as I go, so as to give you a reader's first impression.
It's been mentioned to me on many occasions to show instead of tell. Well, here, you do an awful lot of telling. The first sentence is perfectly fine, but the next three sentences
wow. i really enjoyed reading this and made me smile many times/
i picked up on a few things that need editing...
in the first bit you say...
'out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted' i think you mean...
'out such bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted' such instead of so.
also, further down somwehre i think u said witch instead of which.
Sometimes you repeat words frequently in sections, just make sure there isnt loads of word repetition unless for effect.
good work, a very well structured and amusing piece.
hope i have helped